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kennedyalike · 2 years ago

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come n’ get it now

re4 leon s. kennedy x fem!reader

summary: you take care of leon on a mission where you got accidentally caught up

tags: smut, fingering, p in v sex

word count: 1,9k~

settling in on the plush crimson couch that was in the middle of the darkly lit room, what was this place anyways? quite cozy to be honest, even though it was still in the same castle that you had been held at gunpoint, kidnapped as a way to blackmail leon. he didn’t fall for it, he was strong and remained calm. or so you thought. his mind was a mess, thoughts of loosing you flooded his mind every second, he was panicking but he had to pull through, for you. his little princess.

leon loved you more than anything, really. he would do anything for you, he would die for you and he was prepared to die for you in this mission. it had started out as a simple extract, going to a rural village in spain to research a cult called los illuminados. only it wasn’t going so well. some crazy fucker named ramón had come up with an idea to kidnap leon’s girlfriend, you, to blackmail him and make him fall for a trap to get rid of him.

but he wasn��t so dumb, he saved you and it was easy really. until he realised ramòn, saddler and the rest of the los illuminados cult weren’t going to let you off so easily when they realised you had stolen information and a piece of amber with you. you weren’t an agent but you learned a thing or two from leon. atleast you complicating his mission, you could be of little use.

you tried to aid him in battle, by not being in his way and staying away from the enemies. you weren’t a scaredy cat, you fended off many enemies with the knife he had given you, always giving him a heads up and holding stuff open for him. you didn’t want him to worry about you so you did your best for him.

the relationship was equal, you would do anything for him and he would do anything for you. now you were just babbling incoherent ’sorry’s as you were rummaging through your belongings. ”they’re dumb, they left me with all my stuff untouched, can you belive that?” you said with a slight chuckle, trying to lighten up the mood when you sit next to leon on the couch, settling your purse on your lap, toying with the zipper of it.

”what’s in there? besides the amber, i mean. you should give it to me, that way they don’t have anything to hold over against you. i need to get you out of here as quickly as possible.” leon babbled, mostly to himself as his dark eyes and stern look avoided you, feeling dissapointed in himself when he couldn’t protect you.

”leon…i love you, you know that?” you cooed as you pushed his shoulders back and pulled yourself onto his lap, legs settling at the sides of his as he leaned back, head hitting the soft couch as his ash blonde locks spread around the fabric, ruffling at the back of his head. he nodded silenty as his eyes still avoided your gaze. his hands darted around the hem of your dress, looking around your body, your jacket slightly slumped over your shoulder. he sees the small bruises all over your skin and the dirt that was starting to gather on your clothes.

he sighed really deeply as his hands settled on your thighs and yours settled on his shoulders. he was tense, stressed and pressured. his wide shoulders felt so hard, maybe because of muscle but you could feel the tension he was holding in. ”leon.” you call out once more, trying to pull him out of the trance as your hands shuffle in your bag, pulling out a pack of wet wipes. you grab his gun-calloused hand from your lap and start cleaning the grime and dirt off of his palm.

he was still quiet, leon was accepting your care as you kept cleaning his hands, moving to his forearms, picking up a new wet wipe as you cleaned the dirt off of his tense biceps and forearms. you felt bad for him and wanted to be of use. you felt worthless and seeing him in this stage was hard. you loved him so dearly and wanted to be good for him, so why did you have to get caught? now you’re just being a burden to him.

you felt his muscles twitch under your fingers as you carefully wiped his forearm clean, lifting up his other arm, just as tense as the other. he was breathing quietly as you continued. he felt loved, your soft fingers working to take care of him as he watched you on his lap. he watched your focused face, so cute. his. your hand caressed his face and you wiped the dirt off of it, careful around a few cuts that made your brows furrow from worry. you propped your body slightly closer to him. he looked you in the eyes and admired your focused face, slightly grimacing when the wet wipe hit his cut.

”sorry but, i have to clean it, leon.” you emphasized as you finished cleaning his face, fixing his hair cutely as you try to smile at him, a desperate attempt at making your partner feel better. ”i know, baby. i love you so much.” this time, your smile was real, you pulled your body close to him, chests connecting. your plush chest hit his hard and muscly chest and he accepted you, grabbing your waist and pulling you closer too.

your hands wrap around his shoulders, starting to slightly massage them, wanting to ease him and only be good to him. you would do anything, anything for him to feel better. you watch his eyes close, his eyelashes fluttering as he sighs, his lips parting slightly when you massage his shoulders and biceps. your hands work rounds into massaging him, wanting to ease his muscles and all the pent up anger he felt inside of him. he was quiet, except for the small whimpers and sighs leaving his mouth every now and then when you hit a jammed up muscle.

you couldn’t help yourself but feel a little turned on from his face, brows furrowing as soft moans escape his esophagus. you begin to grind down on his lap a little, hoping he doesn’t notice your movement. under the dress, you wore nothing but panties and you had a small cardigan with you. the fabric of your panties already felt wet as you slightly grinded yourself into him. leon’s tight dark blue compression shirt showing his defined body was too much for you to handle.

the knife holder next to his left shoulder and the straps around his trousers that were holding his weapons and his belongings were still on, you were eyeing down his whole being. you would do anything for him to feel good and relaxed and you would die for him to be inside you right now. but you were so sure he thought it was inappropriate hence the situation and the fact that you guys were on some random couch, couped up in the very same castle where the los illuminados members were.

his palms felt sweaty on your hips and you started to feel his hands forming a fist, scrunching the fabric of your dress up, revealing more of your plush thighs every second. his eyes were open and he was looking at you. it was like a silent agreement between you two.

you leaned in and kissed him, his soft lips were too inviting and your hands wrapped around his neck, deepening the kiss. his hands have brought up the fabric of your dress completely. leon’s hands felt cold on your skin as he groped your ass under your dress. you moan slightly into the kiss and he responds with a slight groan as he feels you grind into him even more.

you feel his growing erection through his dusty trousers and you’re sure your panties have already left a wet spot on them. your lips are still connected and your bodies move in sync. the kiss was soft and lustful. you smelled his cologne still, not completely blocked out by the smell of battle. your tongue teases his as you continue kissing passionetly.

his other hand moves to the front of your crotch, slithering over your clothed cunt. you break the kiss and instead your lips connect with his neck, peppering small kisses on his soft skin as his fingers slip under your panties and start rubbing between your folds. “so wet, baby.” you moan at the contact and your breath on his neck sends vibrations down his whole body. ”need you, leon.” you whine as you desperately grind on his fingers for some more friction.

his fingers gather your slick and slowly rub circles on your clit before he pushes two needy fingers inside you. his fingers feel stretching after a long time and you were already a moaning mess, hips grinding down to meet his thrusts as his fingers fuck you. the tip of his fingers curve slightly, making you squeeze your eyes shut from the pleasure.

he can’t handle it anymore and pulls his fingers out of you, leaving you whining at the loss of contact before you realize he’s pulling his trousers down. he pulls his trousers down, lifting his hips slightly to slip them past his knees along with his boxers. his almost painfully erect cock springs free and slaps against his clothed abdomen. you settle your hips back on top of him.

your arms are still wrapped around his neck and you nuzzle leon’s chest again, letting him take control and use you, just how you wanted it. he knows you’ll let him, so he grabs his cock and starts lining himself up at your entrance. the stretch of his tip inside you makes you whimper, but you set your hips down, his cock now fully sheathed in you.

both of you sigh and moan at the contact, his hips already bucking up into you, desperate thrusts as he moans into your ear. leon was always really vocal and you loved it. you meet his thrusts and let him rut his cock into you at whatever pace he likes. ”oh fuck, baby. you feel amazing, shit.” he curses to himself, praising you while bucking his hips up.

whimpers leave your mouth as he pounds into you, you feel his tip so deep inside you, that you want to stay like this forever and ever. wanting to ease his stress as his veiny cock ruts into you. you feel every inch of him and his hands grab your hips tighter by the second. he’s helping you meet his thrusts by bringing your hips down. lustful moans erupt from both of you in union as you get closer to your orgasms.

leon’s thumb goes to rub circles on your clit again as his pace fastens up, sending you over the edge as you mumble into his ear. ”m’ gonna cum, leon!” he continues rubbing on your clit, helping you to let go ”go on, gonna cum in you so hard.” leon’s raspy voice echoes in your head as you let go, feeling yourself fall off the edge of pleasure, cumming hard on his cock,

your cunt clenches around him as he thrusts into you sloppily a few times before he pushes himself as deep into you as he can, holding your hips down on his. the grip he has on the flesh of your hips almost hurts as he cums inside you. groans and sighs leave your’s and leon’s mouths in continuance as you slowly peck kisses on his cheek.

you would do anything for him to feel better<3

#leon kennedy x you #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy smut #re4 leon #leon kennedy x reader #resident evil #resident evil 4 #leon smut #resident evil leon #smut

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coastxlwaters · 6 months ago

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Got asked this by a friend:

Why do i talk abt my QPR ships like they are actual ships? And tag it like they are?

First of all, they are technically still ships. Secondly, i was called out a while back (maybe a year ago?) that QPR relationships are not any less than actual love and should be treated like that, again i was young and dumb and didnt know that so now i try to tag my stuff correctly. Third, ive seen multiple ship art that can be seen as QPR yet non-shippers still do not want to see it. I would like to respect their boundaries.

Extra notes: All of my ships are QPR except for Solar x ruin(jigsaw) but even for those two there is NO 18+ THINGS i am a MINOR (suggestive jokes are fine i kinda find them funny at times)

So yes, (Solstice) Dark sun x Eclipse is QPR so if u do make art for the aus that have that ship pls do not show them kissing- (yes i have had sm ask if they would kiss, not any anon or moot, an irl friend)

#tsams discourse #coastal’s mumbles #solar x ruin #dark sun x eclipse

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wawamouse · 4 months ago

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so you write Oz like it’s high concept novel quality I just wanted to say that first off. Fontana should give you the rights tbh

curious as to if you see the potential to ever write Miguel/Alonzo as romantic or mutual? the way you write them is so rawly intriguing and ambiguous the way it is dgmw! just that I find it interesting to consider them in all different configurations w romance+the Consequences thereof as one of many options

Hahah thank you <3

Idk, tbh I’ve never thought of writing Miguel/Alonzo straight up… I know I have like 1 fic tagged as them but I should probably take that tag off the fic bc it’s not really there like that/I scaled back on some of stuff I had planned anyway :S… It’s kinda funny because I remember watching Oz Youtube clips before I’d watched the show (like, back in middle school maybe, when I was a dumb little homo desperate to find queer rep in media blah blah blah). Back then lowkey highkey being very intrigued by Torquemada, but then I watched the actual show and I was like oh boo… He’s barely in it.

That’s all to say, I find him entertaining as a character and I think it’d be interesting to try and tackle a character study of him (of course, I’d be making up a lot 🥴) but I don’t think my default interpretation of his character is really a thing that makes it possible to write him in any kind of romantic relationship, you know? Based on what little we learn of him from the show, I feel like his main thing is like getting off on power imbalances, voyeurism, enmeshment—that kind of thing. Which is interesting! But yeah, no, I don’t really see romance for him. Without getting too into it, he seems more… business minded, to me? I feel like he just wants to scare the hoes and get rich, which is pretty funny of him. I think exploring some kind of dynamic between Miguel and Alonzo that I haven’t already done yet would be fun bc I tend to write Alonzo as just a creep near Miguel, unless he’s an AU version of himself… and honestly, I prefer the idea of a fun, chaotic Torquemada to the creep but it's so clear that Miguel thinks Alonzo's a creep that I guess I end up writing him that way too 🤷🏻‍♂️

Writing a fic where Alonzo turns out to be actually helpful/a tentative ally once/if Miguel is able to set boundaries/get his head on right, etc, would be interesting 🤔, but yeah, that’s about the extent of where my head’s at with them. Plot Plot, not ship stuff LOL.

(Rambled, sorry + this is probably not the answer you were looking for so sorry x2)

Tldr: I don’t think writing Miguel/Alonzo as mutual or romantic is really in the cards for me atm

#text #answered ask #heffer-wen #miguel alvarez #alonzo torquemada #is it lame of me that i just want to write about alonzo's adventures in taking over the drug trade like. we were robbed....#idrgaf about what torquemada does w miguel... where's the empire building drama. FONTANA.....#i guess these tags answer the question better than my above ramble #i don't have room in my tiny little brain to be thinking about alonzo/miguel #when alonzo/power is all i can think about #where were the deals where was the epic highs and lows #the dealing with the sicilians?? the backstabbing the gays (i know he would have)???#crying screaming throwing up just thinking about it rn

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xmochaccinox · 10 months ago

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Rise Character Analysis: Kendra!

Ch 1: Meet Kendra

Ch 2: Kendra's Major Traits

Ch 3: Kendra's Relationship With Others

Ch 4: Theories

Alright, I'm bored and I wanna do a character analysis on a Rise Character, but seeing as the turtles, April, Splinter, and Cassandra have been done many times, let's target Kendra!

Just so you know, I am not a certified psychologist, but psychology has been my life long interest. I may get things incorrect and this is all my perspective on what's going on. If you have any disagreement, please engage! I would love to hear everyone's thoughts as long as it's done in a respectable manner (as in don't go calling me or others a dumb*ss and stuff)!

Everything is below under the cut due to length

Ch 1: Meet Kendra

Kendra, who is she? Well, she's the leader of the Purple Dragons and is a well known rival (as well as a very popular head canon love potential) of our one and only purple tech turtle, Donnie. What's her end goal? We... actually don't really know. All we know is that she wants to steal a device that can just give her instant access to hack into any computer and we don't know what else

We first see Kendra in The Purple Jacket with her group taken over a part of the highschool's computer room, which gives us a hint towards their specialty. Right away before we even meet her, we see two students behind her, Jeremy, and Jason dealing with nasty wedgies, a classic way of showing that these are the bullies of the school. April even refers to them as "Stuck up jerks who think they're smarter than everyone else"

Some major skills that Kendra (as well as Jeremy and Jason) uses is programming, coding, hacking, and modification. We see this multiple times, but the biggest example has to be The Purple Game when they used a video game and somehow attached a giant robot to it that also has an AI that studied Donnie's gaming style should things go wrong. Oh, and they hacked into Donnie's computer just to gloat

Kendra and the rest of the Purple Dragons appear to mostly use hardware hacking, which is basically hacking into the physical computer, although they do have some knowledge of software hacking as well

I will mention that they appear to have some idea of making drones and such, but not very advanced as seen in Breaking Purple when Kendra complains that their (Jason's) drone isn't good enough for the drone race. So their skills lean more towards hacking and modifying rather than building things (which kinda makes me wonder where they got the giant robot for The Purple Game as well as the security bots from Mind Meld. Maybe it's just the show being a little inconsistent, who knows)

Outside of school, Kendra, Jeremy, and Jason are still trouble makers, but mostly pulls annoying pranks like throwing food into people's mouths who fell asleep in a theater, which is wildly tame compared to the scene right before it where apparently they used actual tasers during laser tag (no seriously, compare that scene with what we see in Operation: Normal)

Ch 2: Kendra's Personality

Kendra is confident

Often we see Kendra present herself in a highly manner. The best example is when she reveals herself in The Purple Game, saying, "We meet again Bootyshaker9000. Or should I call you Othello Von Ryan? Or should I call you Donnie?" and ignores Donnie's comment about being in house arrest to continue to gloat

We also know that Kendra and the other dragons consider themselves smarter than everyone else through April and the fact that even Kendra herself said that she and her group is the "Greatest hacking duo"

Kendra is uncaring

Kendra is confident in her own plans so much so that when things go wrong, she becomes extremely angry and also blames others for it but then quickly bounces back, announcing that she will be back (which kinda makes me think of an old cartoon villain)

Kendra is intelligent

The one thing that can not be denied is her intelligence. She's clearly smart enough to help her teammates with hacking into a system to get a code and knows how to work with software and coding

I will say I think her intelligence seems to lean a little more into Leo smart, where she knows how to manipulate the people around her to get what she wants, but she is able to work on her own if she has to

While actually meeting her, Kendra pretends to not know who April is, even though the latter pointed out that they've known each other since Kindergarten. Another hint shown is later on in the same episode when she willingly leaves Jason and Jeremy behind for the sake of stealing a code from the Nakamura company

Also the race she persuaded Shelldon into participating is apparently potentially deadly. We get this from the scene with Malinowski and Repo Mantis when they talk about drones participating in the race and many ending up as scrap metal and in the actual race when things like saw blades are being used as obstacles

Kendra is charismatic

Once again, this is shown in The Purple Jacket when she tricks Donnie into revealing their technology, only to use their own tech for her own goals

This was shown again in Breaking Purple when Kendra takes advantage of Shelldon while he was at a low point and tricked him into thinking he was part of the team in order to have him participate in a race that would give the winner the Shadow Transmitter

Kendra is sadistic

Kendra tried to destroy Donnie's siblings both through wanting to see them do it to quickly switching it to wanting the joy of seeing Donnie's reaction to her destroying their siblings

Kendra is impatient

The one thing that everything Kendra keeps trying to steal have in common is that they would supposedly get her into any computer instantly. Even though she herself does coding. And she also steals tech (specifically Donnie's tech as well as robbing electronic stores) to get to her goal quicker

Kendra also values her own time a lot. She wants to get things done as quickly as possible. She can be seen interrupting conversations and telling those involved to wrap it up if she feels like her time is being wasted. One example is when she tells Jeremy and Donnie to "Can the bromance" and in a later episode interrupts Jeremy when he tries to explain the AI in the game they made for Donnie

Kendra is irritable

This can go hand in hand with her being impatient as Kendra becomes angry when her patience is running out. Kendra is often seen snapping at someone, using that fear she puts on them to keep them in line. We mostly see this with her and Jason, but I go into that more later in the post

Though most of all, she gets upset when things don't go her way, like when she got angry at Shelldon for failing to get the Shadow Transmitter, calling him a "Useless drone"

Now with all that, how does Kendra see herself? Well, we know she sees herself as the greatest hacker and also refers to herself and her group "misunderstood teens that don't play by the rules" but considering she's constantly talking with a sinister tone, I genuinely can't tell if she's aware of how bad she can be and doesn't care or she doesn't see what's wrong with what she does. I'm inclined to assume the latter considering all we know about her so far

Another thing to note, despite her love to gloat, Kendra is pretty quiet when it comes to talking about how her tech works. At least compared to Jeremy who jumps at the chance to explain how things works. Maybe she doesn't want anyone to steal what she does?

Ch 3: Kendra's Relationship With Others

Donnie:

At first Kendra did not care about who Donnie is. If Donnie hadn't stopped her from robbing the Nakamura company, she probably would've continued to not care about them, but they forced themself outside of being viewed as a pawn, and is now viewed as the enemy. And what does Kendra do in retaliation? She tries to trick them into destroying their siblings

In turn, Donnie did have a genuine interest in joining her group (and also getting that purple jacket), but that was quickly diminished when she stole their tech. Because of it, Donnie usually seen trying to stop Kendra from stealing any other codes or devices, and even warned Shelldon about her and the other Purple Dragons before he even met the group

April:

Now technically we have no idea what relationship Kendra had with April. However, what interests me is April's reaction to Kendra. She just seems so done, almost as though she witnessed Kendra being Kendra for way too long or she was also screwed over by Kendra at some point in her life

Even when Donnie's stuff got stolen, she just wasn't surprised, at all

And it contrasts how she is towards Taylor, another cool girl character who's a bit of a jerk, but April was more wanting to impress her

But this is all purely speculation, so I can't really confirm anything

Jeremy:

The closest Kendra considers an equal. He goes along with Kendra's antics without much of a fuss and is the one Kendra is the nicest towards. He doesn't even seem to mind whenever she expresses frustration over something

Even still, she tends to quickly shut him down when he tried to engage in conversation with Donnie and explain how the Purple Game worked

There's not much I can say due to there not being too much screen time for him

Jason:

So Jason is the weaker link of the group. He's the one that Kendra treats more harshly and is barely considered a part of the group. We get this by Kendra snatching Jason's jacket to give to Donnie in The Purple Jacket and when she referred to the Purple Dragons as a duo rather than a trio (stating that Jason is on thin ice when he tries to correct her), and finally when she calls Jason the low man of the totem pole

Hell, Jason can barely have much of a happy moment without Kendra immediately knocking him back down. We get this from when he succeeds at bypassing the security in the Nakamura Simulator and she immediately says that he needs to be knocked down a peg and then when she reminds him that he's the low man after she agrees to let Donnie join

And surprisingly, we get some insight as to why. It turns out Jason is Kendra's stepbrother, and it's heavily implied that the only reason why he's even a part of the team is because of their parents. We get this when after Jason failed to get the Shadow Transmitter, Kendra says, "I wish my dad never married your mom"

Chapter 4: Theories

Okay, so the biggest theory for why Kendra acts the way she does is because of her potentially dealing with a divorce

It does explain why she has a need for constant control. It explains why she's into hacking and modifications. It explains why she's always trying to get her hands on a code or a device that could hack into any computer. It's also possible Kendra learned how to be manipulative starting with her parents

What it doesn't explain is, why the ability to hack into any computer specifically?

Now, I just want to also say that this obviously doesn't excuse anything. It doesn't excuse for how she treats Jason (who, may I remind you, is also dealing with the divorce as well). It's not an excuse for how she treats Jeremy. It's not an excuse for how she treated Shelldon. It's not an excuse for anything

Although that's all I can really say. Other than that, we have no idea what's actually going on in Kendra nor Jason's life. What I can safely say is that the parents are definitely not perfect because trying to force a relationship between anyone will most of the time completely fall apart

One thing I will note is how the only time Kendra has ever brought up the potential divorce thing was when Jason failed to get the Shadow Transmitter, and she doesn't say anything about a divorce, she instead specifically says, "I wish my dad never married your mom"

Overall Thoughts:

All 'n all, depending on your own experience, Kendra is basically the typical a-hole high school bully (or semi-typical)

Despite me having barely anything nice to say about her, I like Kendra, especially as a character. I think she's a pretty interesting character, and honestly I would love to see how she would develop as a villain. And I say villain because I highly doubt that she's going to willingly change for the better anytime soon and honestly? That's perfectly fine with me

If the show does somehow continue and Kendra does get some kind of redemption arc, she'd be an anti-hero at best, and hopefully it's out of her choice and not because the writers decided to put in the "she was in love with Donnie this whole time" trope

So, thanks for reading!

Also, if you want an analysis and/or an opinion on any overall stories, ships, theories, characters, etc to the fandoms I'm in or familiar with, I might do it depending on what it is

#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #rottmnt kendra #rise kendra #rottmnt jeremy #rottmnt jason #rottmnt purple dragons #rottmnt donnie #character analysis

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gaast · 9 months ago

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I didn't know posts like these still circulated... Got tagged by @cannibalise and am in a really good mood so I'm gonna play, lmao

Last song I listened to: "Modest Mouth," Neil Cicierega, Mouth Sounds.

Currently watching: What, like, a TV show? I haven't watched a TV show in years. I'm playing Tales of Hearts R and Link's Awakening DX HD, I'm reading The Infinite and the Divine, I'm writing about another grafting monster, I'm working on learning Django and Raspberry Pi stuff and related projects and also a stupid mod, and I'm looking for anyone who wants to hire a really expensive and lazy technical writer.

Sweet/savory/spicy: Everything has its time and its place. I will never take sides when three of the baddest bitches are pitted against each other. I've evolved beyond this.

Relationship status: I legitimately forgot this one until I was tagging because I was so excited to see what would come out of me for the next one. Anyway, I'm engaged.

Current obsession: AFK Journey and AFK Arena, maybe. Also, Python, modding Isaac, making really weird dumb involved elaborate jokes. I want Pando to be my obsession, though. I wanna be "the Pando ghost." Oh also autopsies, I haven't forgotten about autopsies!! Or anthropodermic bibliopegy!! Or esolangs!!! Or eels!!!! Fuck!!!!! I want to be obsessed with shit and I'm barely obsessed at all!!!! I feel like John Nash, I need to be a fucked up unmedicated freak in order to reach my full potential!!! I think Russel Crowe did a really good job in A Beautiful Mind but I fucking hate John Nash tbh. Also it fucking sucks that that film has to continue the trend of "electroconvulsive therapy is BAD uwu!!!" Fuck you. It has a fantastic success rate with only mild side effects. It isn't done like how the fucking film shows it. Imagine making A Beautiful Mind and still being an ableist about it. Oh wait a minute that's John Nash for you!!! Also while I'm talking about movies like this, one of my most hated films of all time is Rudy. I cannot STAND that movie. Look, I love Sean Astin. I love The Goonies. He does a great job in that role. But oh my fucking god if that's what Rudy was really like then I hate him so much. All of that effort. All of it. For what? The love of a father who only gives a fucking shit about FOOTBALL? I love football too but imagine VALIDATING the concept that you're only of worth to your PARENT if you FUCKING DEVOTE YOURSELF SOLELY TO THEIR ONLY INTEREST. The fucking dude didn't even CARE that his son actually fucking MADE the Fighting Irish unless he PLAYED and like, dude, it's FOOTBALL, your five-foot nothing son could get fucking KILLED out there, and he's doing it all for YOU, and you don't deserve it!!! But I'm mad at Rudy more!!! I hate him more!!!!! STOP TRYING TO PLEASE A MAN WHOSE DICK WILL NEVER BE DEEP ENOUGH IN YOUR THROAT. GROW THE FUCK UP. YOUR DAD SUCKS. HE SUCKS. YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST KISSED VINCE VAUGHN!!!!!!!!! God that movie blows. If you wanna watch a movie, fucking, watch, uh. I don't remember what movies I like. Fuck you.

Tagging: @monadolaguz, @babyraccy, @vendettagreen, @tmos-time, @geckobrains, @crowtrobot @torterracotta @izanameowe

#only do it if you wanna #but if you do it please tag me so i can see #i cant help but feel like i might have done one of these wrong

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emilykaldwen · 8 months ago

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@selfproclaimedunicorn points about being feeling spiritually unclean about comments that are icky ... Fandom has a huge problem with boundaries. If I write a smutty fic between a young minor and an adult and portray it as consensual and wonderful, fandom either condemn me or say it's not real and I can write what I want, that it's just fiction and we can't censor it. But then if selfproclaimedunicorn writes a long story with people trying to dictate what happens in it and wishing bad things being done to characters to the point it has basically done psychic damage to her, like do the same rules apply. Do we condemn her and say it's just fiction, it's not real, your feeling are thus invalid and you're being a drama queen. Or do we stand up and say don't write disgusting things to the author about like wishing to castrate Daemon, killing a baby etc because the content and feeling behind it are gross. I know my examples are different situations but its like we keep shifting the goalposts all the time when it comes to fandom, content and etiquette.

I wish people would just straight up say don't write gross shit to people or about characters in the sense when there's genuine harmful intent behind it. Maybe that sounds dumb. There's a lot of long posts about proshipping and censorship and dead dove and I know one size doesn't fit all. People will throw LGBT content in the same boat as pedo stuff and that's wrong. I just see so much contradictions in fandom like supporting one thing and then condemning something else when the tenet its just fiction can be applied to both. I don't know if any of that makes sense. Like a couple of my mutuals rn are saying that exact thing, it's just fiction, Daemon is not real and he can't be castrated, so why she acting traumatised. But I get it. But then say my theoretical smutty fic upsets people even when it's tagged properly etc but it's existence is hurting people because I'm making out adults having sexual relationships with young kid is normal. Do I say it's not real, you're no need to be upset or angry, it's just fiction, it's not hurting anyone. Like is their feelings invalid? Is selfproclaimedunicorn feelings invalid? I'm just so confused and tired of fandom rn

Me saying "just be kind in other people's comments" should not have dredged up such an outpouring of responses defending being shitty to authors on the other side of the screen. Authors are people and should be treated with that base level of mutual respect, because you know you would be upset if someone came in only to tear down what you're creating/hate reading your stories.

I'm not going to touch the other stuff in this ask, because I'm not sure where the sex with minors stuff is comparable to "be kind in comments/don't like don't read."

#all other messages about this aren't going to be answered #we're done

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brawlqueen · 1 year ago

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important psa / some blog changes.

Kind of anxious to be posting this but, I think it's affecting my ability to get to replies and I just kinda wanna share what direction I'm going with my fave girl. So this post includes some spoilers so if you don't want to read those let me know what to tag it as. I think as time goes on I'm more discouraged at how little U.chikoshi gives Mi.zuki as a character. She has only one route in the OG game, and she's actually given love and a listening ear and things she needs, but most of the game she's treated like second or third best, or mainly an afterthought when she's literally the daughter of the two main victims.

She's a twelve year old who saw one of her own parent's corpse with her own eyes, in a gruesome way. To say she already is getting the short end of the stick, and that even dialogue choices and options for her in the A.ITSF (which is my favorite game btw), consistently puts her down unless it's in her own route. Every other route she's...honestly treated like not much. Yes, she's badass, kind to her friends, continues to help and care, but she's alone and frankly not given much love by the cast (THAT I LOVE which makes it worse) unless noticed. Which, frankly save for Ai.ba, who remarks consistently with compassion about her, it's pretty upsetting.

Then we get to A.INI. And this, and I've talked to friends, we all were anticipating Mi.zuki as the main protagonist if only. She was advertised heavily. There is no reason why people aren't not entitled to feel bitter and sad that she was NOT treated like that, and once again, put to the sidelines as an afterthought like she was in the 'true ending' of the first game. She should have been the main protagonist. If not that, and I really enjoy him, Ry.uki should have been a true dual protagonist beside her their time equally split. I hear how much he deserves better and he does, I totally agree! But honestly, M.izuki, who has been in two games and consistently both in the narrative and in utility given the SHORTEST end of the stick, I feel a bit tired.

So I'm going to be working on a new verse for her. I will still derive heavily from her own route from A.ITSF.

But I will not only write Mi.zuki at twelve, as she deserves not to be in permanent stasis all that time, it isn't that I like A.INI more. It's because I hate that A.INI not only did what A.ITSF did in the end, but it actually retconned her. And everything's been taken from her time and time again in the A.I timeline.

I want to give Mi.zuki growth, love and things she deserves. Because she's been robbed of these things over and over. You'lll see me writing her at all timelines of her life.

I'll derive a few things from A.INI, but she is not A.INI based. Things like yes, she'll by default be involved in an explosion. Yes, by default Ai.ba will be her partner, yes, she'll join A.BIS. I'll likely keep what limited stuff I felt I could take on the source of her godlike combat abilities and physical form. There won't be a B.ibi.

I'll write her like I would have written her like many of us believed we would get. The main protagonist. Maybe there's a different murder case or she's doing them based on her skill as a detective at the time. Maybe I keep as ridiculously dumb as it is, Mi.zuki and co. stopping the virus. Maybe that's the issue, not the six years apart thing. Maybe there's also me writing slice of life stuff and everything in between. I want to explore all of that because I want to see M.izuki growing and see what life is like for her after the worst things happen to her in A.ITSF. I want to give her love, relationships, and growth through experiences and just something that writer doesn't...really seem to want to give her? And this has been a thing for two games, so I want to do something at least in my portrayal, that feels fair to her. Things I can give in my writing that she wasn't given much at all.

Of course some things I'll plot with other people in the A.I universe, but I ask that you meet me halfway, but I will be writing her life spanning from 8-18, not just 12. I will be writing her having support with Ai.ba, too, because they were legitimately wholesome and had a lot of good moments, and I think it's natural that she'd share or partner with her too and not take away from the bond of the original game. Plus A.iba repeatedly shows care and compassion for her, and that's something Mi.zuki desperately needs. I would be lying if I said I want an A.I3 granted the track record of how bad Mi.zuki is treated in the universe and outside of it narratively.

So basically I'll just add a verse that's titled something else and take inspo from what little crumbs I can take from AI.NI, ideas and things, and work on, because I don't ow.n Mi.zuki, things I feel she consistently has deserved but been robbed of. I want to give Mi.zuki all the things that A.INI didn't give her, and also just in both games in general. I love this series so much. But I would be lying if I said I didn't think Mi.zuki got the by far shortest end of the stick, and that's just not what I'm going to do with her here.

So yeah I'll be working on that and probably her bio etc, and keep writing what I feel I want to give her in what way I know how. So yeah guess I'm...sad as things are in canon? At how she's treated but instead of staying that way I'm going to work on writing the things I feel she hasn't gotten / didn't have and just kind of, take it from there.

M.izuki deserves better, so much better than being sidelined all the time, or not given even basic support and comfort, so I'm just going to work on what I feel (because I'm only a Mi.zuki mun) she deserves.

And I think she deserves a lot.

#𝐏𝐒𝐀 *ೃ༄ do you wanna get your ass kicked?#𝐎𝐎𝐂 *ೃ༄ what looks gone but comes back even stronger.#i'm tired oiHOIGWEHOIHWE #this girl has gone through hell over and over i'm not going to write her more robbed than she's already been in /two games/#i love all the characters so much #I just wish better for her

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obsessivelollipoplalala · 1 year ago

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I can relate to what the last two anons said I could never make friends in the queen fandom and I see others making friends on here so easily that I feel like there is something wrong with me or I'm just an outcast because I'm shy or weird but the fandom feels very cliquey sometimes

Aw, no, there’s nothing wrong with you for not making fandom friends. All fandoms are cliquey to some extent, and I feel like it’s even worse in small fandoms, such as the tumblr Queen fandom. If you don’t fit in with a clique? Good, it means you’re acting like an adult lol. Seriously, the cliquey shit is so not worth losing sleep over. I had longtime followers unfollow me after I finally got fed up with an extremely immature and cliquey user hate-reading my blog and vagueblogging about me for years lmao, so fandom cliques will turn on you for the dumbest shit and if you say anything against the big name fans—very high school, isn’t it? In general, internet fandom cliques can encourage really petty and abnormal behavior, and I don’t last in them because they get mad the minute someone says, “No this is nonsense and really Online, actually.” It’s like how I left a group chat on insta back when I had my Queen account because I didn’t feel inclined to go along with the crowd in *checks notes*….saying Brian hates Freddie and is homophobic towards him. Really, listening to Online garbage is not worth being in a clique!

Some people do seem to make friends in fandom easily, but keep two things in mind that I previously mentioned: the first one is that it might seem like people are besties on your tumblr dashboard because they reblog each other’s posts and tag each other and stuff, but their online relationship might actually be superficial, and fizzle out the minute one or both joins a new fandom (or those friendships might end easily over really dumb fandom discourse!). The second is that even if you make an actual friend online, they can disappear from your online life pretty abruptly and with little explanation one day, maybe because something happened, or they don’t use tumblr anymore, or whatever.

I know this might not be the answer you were looking for, but all of this is why people should invest more in irl friendships than internet friendships. I’ve been reconnecting with irl friends recently, and man, it feels good. Like I said in another post, too, I feel a lot better keeping to myself on tumblr now, so trust me, getting to know people in fandom isn’t always a good thing lol.

If someone genuinely makes a real, longtime friend through fandom? Great! I just think it happens a lot less often than people think, so don’t feel bad for not having any.

#this makes it sound like I met no good people in the Queen fandom #that’s not true #but yeah in my experience (not just in the Queen fandom)#all of the clique nonsense is way more trouble than it’s worth #replies #Anonymous

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lovecatsys · 1 year ago

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okay since everything except for Uncanny Spider-Man is out now I'm gonna go ahead and give my reviews of Fall of X so far

First off, Immortal and Red continue to be masterpieces, no surprises there, both books however are clearly taking a turn in a different direction and I'm loving it for both of them.

Jean Grey is not what I expected it to be at all, but still an amazing character study of Jean, I expected nothing less from Simonson of course.

Invincible Iron Man and X Men are decent, not a fan of exactly whats going on with Kate, the Emma stuff is great though. Kamala should not be in this book. I hate the avengers by default but I don't exactly hate whats going on between Emma and Tony, though that might change. The "wedding" is going to be exactly what I expected it would be of course. Overall not Duggan's worst writing but I don't love it.

Uncanny Avengers is... meh, so far, Pietro is super OOC which is :/ but maybe he'll get some more focus later on, god I hope he does. But it's frustrating how little effort is going into portraying him as a visible person of color when a much greater effort is going into his sister. Monet used her telepathy which gives me hope for her! I'm down for more of her teaming up with Kwannon tbh, they make a good team.

Astonishing Iceman is a bit of an anomoly to me. It's very good writing so far, I'm loving how Orlando writes Bobby, but I'm really pissed that they've chosen to stick with Romeo as his love interest after he got aged up just to come back and fuck Bobby and for them to throw Christian to the side. No mention of Christian at all at the hellfire gala, Emma is not concerned with where he is like she is with the Cuckoos which :/. I'm honestly afraid he's being dropped as a character which fucking sucks. The thing I hate the most about how Romeo is there is that Christian could literally be in his place and it would be perfect to me. He has a power set that could absolutely work for this situation just how Romeo's is working! Who knows, maybe this relationship will grow on me. We'll see.

Alpha Flight is really good, I haven't delved into the world of AF comics yet but from everything I know it seems perfect. My man was only there for two seconds in the first issue but we'll see if he gets any panel time as it goes on. Even if he doesn't though, yeah I'll be a little pissed but it'll still probably be a good read, and at least he'll have made any appearance at all since Marauders. Oh and Puck making fun of his new codename was funny. Fang really is a dumb name.

X-Force is still garbage, but this weird plot twist with Quentin (whatever it is??) has me gritting my teeth. fucking get your hands off my boy Percy he does not deserve this. Curious to see whats going on with the Colossus plotline, just wish it was happening in a better book.

Children of the Vault is amazing, never cared for Bishop and haven't read much Cable yet but I'm still all in on it. One of those books where you don't have to care much for the characters to recognize its quality. also fun fact: its written by the comic writing mentor of my comic writing mentor. lol

Dark X-Men wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, but its still good. Though it kinda feels like it has too many characters in it so far, I'm loving the Maddie content and it had some great dark humor in it. LOVED the children of the atom bits, im so curious whats going to go down with Carmen and I'm just glad her friends and her relationship with Buddy got some panel time tbh.

last and the actual best: Realm of X was SO FUCKING GOOD. I've had a little soft spot in my heart for Curse since her story started in X-Men Green, and it seems like she's going to be a huge part of this arc rather than just tagging along as a little kid which is great. Sooraya fucking stole the show, this new take on her power signature is amazing. In general love all these women (Typhoid Mary is growing on me, I'm going to call the awful things she's done that made me want to hate her poor writing choices, especially since shes a survivor of such acts in the first place.) SO curious with what's going on with Yana, and I love how devoted she is to keeping Curse safe. DID NOT expect Saturnyne to be the main villain but im down for it tbh. This book is my favorite already and i just cant wait for hte next issue!

#wednesday spoilers #x men #WHOO that was a lot but. yeah #ill just rb with the uncanny spiderman review when it comes out lol

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pizza-feverdream · 1 year ago

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Wow these are actually good tag game questions. Gotta say reading through I agreed with a lot of your answers but I immediately forgot which ones lol

Here we go

1.) describe yourself through the eyes of a stranger? Scared looking or spaced out, quiet and maybe snippy (if stranger in particular is a customer)

2.) what is a quality you’d like to change about yourself? I wish I didn't get angry and mean when I'm overwhelmed, and I wish I didn't isolate myself instead of trying to make friends

3.) what is your worst potential fear for the future? That's I'll be chronically by myself. And that it'll be my fault for not having learned enough about how to be with people.

4.) which television series do you use as a form of escapism? I could watch Gravity Falls on repeat

5.) share a secret about yourself? I used to have a problem with maladaptive daydreaming, but then I learned I could write instead so I do that now. It feels healthier

6.) if you could choose any place in the world to visit, where would it be? why? I want to go back to Pennsylvania, for various reasons, but somewhere new? I wanna see what Canada is like. In the winter. Even though I'm 99% sure I'd hate it, I've seen snow about twice in my life, and I just want to see SO MUCH OF IT like in the movies? Idk

7.) what advice would you give your childhood self? Don't attach yourself to one person, and not try to interact with anyone else. Also, a lot of the time it feels like you've always been in a panicked, or depressed state, but you gotta remember that it's temporary and had a cause. You're not broken

8.) describe how you envision your ideal life partner? Just someone who is genuinely kind and loves me. Hope that's not too much to ask for

9.) what is your favorite environmental season? why? Winter. Cause that's the only time in Texas we have pleasant weather (60-70 degrees(or 15-20⁰, spiderlad)

10.) what’s one book you’d suggest every person should read? The giver series. Not everyone even knows its a series. It's very well-done, makes you think

11.) what is one song that’s able to bring you to tears? When love takes you in by steven Curtis Chapman. Havent listened to it in SEVERAL years, but that's something my mom used to play a lot and it hits me like a ton of bricks when I hear it in the wild.

12.) describe your best friend? :D Don't have one

13.) what was the premise of your last dream? I think I was at the dermatologist and she was looking at my head and telling me how dumb I was for coming in here, nothings wrong with you

14.) what’s your favorite warm beverage? Apple cider, next question

15.) name one musical album that greatly impacted your life? why? So just this year, I've made MAJOR leaps in like, differentiating myself from my family and figuring out what I like. This has included watching things like dhmis and toh and even anything on Cartoon Network that I previously wouldn't have thought to, or wouldn't have been allowed to watch. Thats also included branching out my musical tastes, and the first example of that was when I stumbled upon Jack Stauber earlier this year. It totally rewired my brain and I've been having so much fun finding things like that and discovering, Hey! I like this stuff! Me!

16.) what’s your favorite form of flattery? When I'll be rambling on (rare) about something I love and the other person is actually listening (extra rare)

17.) what’s your favorite painting? and describe how it makes you feel? I don't remember the artist, but did you happen to see the post circulating about the guy who's paintings looked like bad cgi or something? Those were cool

18.) describe your personal style? This is something else I'm just starting to learn about myself! Just... not enough to describe it yet! :D

19.) what was the last concept that inspired you? This is gonna sound really stupid, but seeing brother sister relationships in media, especially dramatic ones (think dipper and mabel or something similar) is making me want to, and kinda helping me, improve my relationship with MY brother.

20.) who was your very first artistic inspiration? I think the thing that finally REALLY got me into drawing was watching the Loud House, actually. It's not even a style I've ever used, but idk. Made me want to draw (also several different animation youtubers, you know which ones I'm talking about)

21.) how long have you used tumblr for? how has your style changed over the years? I got it this July lol

22.) what was your first cell phone? A little flip phone my mom had to buy minutes for off of cards. Well... is that a smartphone? If that doesn't count, then it was an IPhone 5s. I had that thing for years. It has all sorts of good pictures on it. It's in my room, but the screen is unresponsive, after the little boy I used to tutor went to toss it to me when we were playing online pool together, and it dropped on their concrete floor

23.) what is your favorite fruit flavor? Blackberry or cherry

24.) whom would you resurrect from the afterlife? which 3 questions would you ask them? I would love to meet Bob Ross. I don't want to ask him anything, just vibe

25.) if you could choose only one meal to eat for the remainder of your life, which would you choose? In all honesty, I'm very tired right now and this question is stumping me. Maybe I'll think of something tomorrow (she lied)

26.) which of the 7 deadly sins do you struggle with the most? and which the least? Most, envy. Least, sloth (mostly just cause I feel an all-encompassing, choking shame if I'm not being productive in some capacity)

27.) your latest obsession? and why? The song Mary on a Cross. I've heard it on tiktok ofc, but I actually LISTENED to it the other day and audibly said "oh, this is fantastic" I've listened to it at least 3x a day since. I'm not okay

28.) if you could domesticate any animal as your pet, which would you choose? A squirrel. That would be fun

29.) what’s your least favorite smell? So a couple years ago for my biology class we did a bunch of disections, but even those weren't as bad as the time in that class we blended up peas and mixed them with hand sanitizer. That was 3 years ago and it still haunts me.

30.) favorite mythological creature? and why? It's been a long long time since my pjo days, but I remember liking satyrs

31.) name a scene from a movie that makes you cringe? Anything family related, especially siblings. They CANNOT WILL NOT ever be able to replicate what that's like. It's impossible.

32.) favorite piece of memorabilia you own? I don't really have any? I made a Red Guy crochet little doll thing a while ago but idk if that counts

33.) your personal favorite oddity about yourself? One time a mutual told me in one of those "is the person you rb this from" polls that I was star coded, they said "cause she sees media she likes and NYOOOM she's off to go make fanart" and that has stuck with me

34.) favorite concert/show you’ve attended? I haven't been to any concerts, but when I was like 10 I went to see Frog and Toad the musical. That was fantastic (or I remember it being fantastic)

35.) what’s one thing you would tell to the last person who betrayed you? So far, luckily, no one had betrayed me, but there's someone who thinks they did, and I want him to know it's okay. Really.

36.) your favorite mantra to live by? Adam Savage said in Mythbusters one time "I reject your reality, and substitute my own!" Which I started saying as a joke, not actually taking a second to think about what it means. Then I thought about it, related it to mdd, got scared of it, then realized it didn't have to be about that. I still live by that, but now to me it means that yeah, the world is a shitty place, but I can make it nicer for myself.

37.) do you have any strange habits? When I come back from bringing a customer their food, I'll slap the little number tent thing against my hand, between my thumb and finger. Also, when I put socks on, if I don't turn the socks inside out and shake them off, and dust off my feet, my feet will feel dirty all day. Also I excessively flex my wrists when I get stressed.

38.) what’s your favorite white-noise to fall asleep to? I sleep with a powerful box fan every night, even in the winter

39.) what is your favorite gemstone? why? I've only seen a little bit if Steven Universe, but it made me look up what bismuth looks like irl and. I mean. Look

Wizard of Oz type shit. Lovely fantastic 10/10

40.) how do you choose to cope when you’re upset? I isolate myself, shut out sounds with headphones if possible, and if I feel up to it try to draw

41.) what are you currently trying to accomplish? I need to buy a car, and apply for a different job.

42.) what’s your favorite item you’ve purchased secondhand? I don't do a lot a thrifting, but I've found some decent things at goodwill

43.) describe your personality is only 3 words? Anxious, funny, tired

44.) how is your relationship with your parents? Very good, fortunately

48.) which animal would you be the most terrified to encounter? Polar bears. We watched a docu-series called Soemthjng Bit me. They're TERRIFYING

45.) an instrument you aspire to learn how to play? I don't actually see myself learning, but I used to play the piano and I would like to do that again

46.) relate yourself to one movie character? Paul blart, next question

47.) least favorite music genre? why? Country. You meet people who make it their whole personality down here and it sours it for me

49.) name a public figure you find to be overrated? why? Mr. Beast. I think he exploits people in low places for clout, under the guise of "charity"

50.) what purpose do you get out of using tumblr? It lets me connect to people when I otherwise never have the opportunity to

Let's see.. @mackthecheese @sebwritesstories it's a lot a lot so no pressure

50 Q’s

1.) describe yourself through the eyes of a stranger? 2.) what is a quality you’d like to change about yourself? 3.) what is your worst potential fear for the future? 4.) which television series do you use as a form of escapism? 5.) share a secret about yourself? 6.) if you could choose any place in the world to visit, where would it be? why? 7.) what advice would you give your childhood self? 8.) describe how you envision your ideal life partner? 9.) what is your favorite environmental season? why? 10.) what’s one book you’d suggest every person should read? 11.) what is one song that’s able to bring you to tears? 12.) describe your best friend? 13.) what was the premise of your last dream? 14.) what’s your favorite warm beverage? 15.) name one musical album that greatly impacted your life? why? 16.) what’s your favorite form of flattery? 17.) what’s your favorite painting? and describe how it makes you feel? 18.) describe your personal style? 19.) what was the last concept that inspired you? 20.) who was your very first artistic inspiration? 21.) how long have you used tumblr for? how has your style changed over the years? 22.) what was your first cell phone? 23.) what is your favorite fruit flavor? 24.) whom would you resurrect from the afterlife? which 3 questions would you ask them? 25.) if you could choose only one meal to eat for the remainder of your life, which would you choose? 26.) which of the 7 deadly sins do you struggle with the most? and which the least? 27.) your latest obsession? and why? 28.) if you could domesticate any animal as your pet, which would you choose? 29.) what’s your least favorite smell? 30.) favorite mythological creature? and why? 31.) name a scene from a movie that makes you cringe? 32.) favorite piece of memorabilia you own? 33.) your personal favorite oddity about yourself? 34.) favorite concert/show you’ve attended? 35.) what’s one thing you would tell to the last person who betrayed you? 36.) your favorite mantra to live by? 37.) do you have any strange habits? 38.) what’s your favorite white-noise to fall asleep to? 39.) what is your favorite gemstone? why? 40.) how do you choose to cope when you’re upset? 41.) what are you currently trying to accomplish? 42.) what’s your favorite item you’ve purchased secondhand? 43.) describe your personality is only 3 words? 44.) how is your relationship with your parents? 45.) an instrument you aspire to learn how to play? 46.) relate yourself to one movie character? 47.) least favorite music genre? why? 48.) which animal would you be the most terrified to encounter? 49.) name a public figure you find to be overrated? why? 50.) what purpose do you get out of using tumblr?

#ty for the tag spiderlad <3 #moots #tag game #ask game

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fake-static-airspace · 3 months ago

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omggg i never get tagged in stuff like this lets goooo >:3 time to infodump gang

last song: Gallery Piece by Of Montreal!

fav color: i have trouble picking, because i've had a lot over the years... really i don't think a bad color exists, just poor uses for them. but i really like pink, yellow, and blue!

last book: actively reading "Paleontology; A Brief History of Life" by Ian Tattersall right now, because i wanna learn more abt that field... but the last narrative book i read was "Carrie" by Stephen King. I've been reading a lot recently, actually, because I've been making it a point to do so!!! Going to the library a decent amount, reading is part of a cornerstone of being a good writer, after all~ ehehe. also been reading fanfiction my friends send me, and the most recent one i actually read was. fucking. tool assisted speedrun. iykyk.

last movie: Electric Dreams!! such a fun movie, such a win for objectums.

last show: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, and i only got to watch the last half :sob: i watched it with someone i stopped talking to, long story, but i do want to watch it from the beginning at some point. it was really fucking solid, and i don't usually watch anime.

sweet//spicy//savory: i like all three in certain conditions, duh. combine sweet and savory and my heart is yours, though. i don't have a favorite out of the bunch bc it changes on the daily.

relationship status: weird as fuck to say this because i've never gotten to before, but taken? i'm in a queerplatonic relationship! we're both aro/ace spec, but we really like each other so yknow. friendship+ hehe. i won't like, yap too much because i've realized that i'm a "wife/husband/spouse guy," in that i will sit there and talk abt my partner with this dumb look on my face for a decent amount of time, if given the opportunity. i like himb :3

last thing i googled: "can you mix fabuloso and bleach" i made chlorine gas while cleaning yesterday!!!!!!!!! everyone is fine but maybe i should have googled that before mixing them!!!!!

latest obsession: i've been playing soooo much fucking minecraft w my friends, its insane. thinking a lot about gravity falls and my ocs again. ultrakill is still there, i don't think it's going anywhere for a while. been a very relaxed period for me.

looking forward to: halloween!! always!!! and of course, general holiday season, but only bc i'm broke and christmas money sounds lovely right about now. always looking forward to hyperfixations on hiatus getting updates, naturally, naturally. rain world dlc is coming out next march, that's pretty fucking exciting!

time to annoy my mutuals LMAO YIPPEE!!!! we can tag @themaskedpan, haven't spoken to you in a while!! haii :3 hope ur doing well!! @bluefire-axolotl, we spoke literally yesterday and you don't have to do this if you don't wanna, but i need people to tag so. you have fallen victim. @infinite--hyperdeath, YOU TOO!!! >:3 @unfunny-guy-the-emoji, you'd probably enjoying doing this admittedly. @mvee2, and you too!! we haven't spoken much but ur super nice and i love ur art!!

ten people i'd like to get to know better

tagged by: @megkuna thanks <333

last song: the phantom of the opera

favorite color: muted green

last book: uhhhhhh oh man i really need to start reading books

last movie: phantom of the opera which i watched with a friend

last tv show: the original star trek which i also watched with a friend

sweet/spicy/savory: sweet, i love sugar too much

relationship status: single and not looking, i'd rather just have more friends

last thing i googled: "how to know if skincare routine is too harsh" my pimples hurt in a Different way now :(

current obsession: probably still mob psycho 100 but it's not what it used to be. yay depression

looking forward to: when my family finally moves into the new house

tagging: @scarecloud69 @disorganised-thoughtss @daneonrainbow @lawful-goof @officialkarinuzumaki @leo-probably @vychodocech @umkayonninay @mocha-blossom @spageddy29 no pressure though <3

#staticairspacetextposts #i love yapping thank you for the opportunity to yap #im a chatterbox i just like to talk idk #part of being a writer i guess? being verbose? idk

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saintshigaraki · 4 years ago

Text

HERE, IN THE MORNING LIGHT, IS WHERE WE’LL BARE OUR SOULS

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x f!reader

words: 3.2k

excerpt: Really, how many times can you blame Ushijima for breaking your heart when you’re the one who can’t seem to stop handing it to him -- on a silver fucking platter no less.

a/n: this is...a bit too similar to my bakugou drabble i’ll admit. but i could see a relationship with ushijima having some of the same problems. he’s not purposely cruel, but god, doesn’t that just make it so much worse?

tags: angst, mentions of alcohol, implied sex, reader is full of rage, ambiguous/open ending

in case you want to read it on ao3!

You greet Toshi at the door, as you’ve made a habit of doing when he manages to come home before you’ve fallen asleep.

(Like a well-trained dog, you think, with only the most bitter sort of amusement.)

When you lift your hand up to cup his face, a sweet hello, love, how was your day? on your lips, he sweeps it aside (gently, of course. He's always so sickeningly gentle when he brushes you aside. You think that might just make the hollow sting of his nonchalant rejection that much worse.)

“Have you made anything for dinner?” he asks, already walking away before you have a chance to pull him down for a kiss. Your arm falls unceremoniously at your side. A deadweight, swinging.

I think I might hate you, you want to say, so, so badly. The words are there, right on the tip of your tongue as you stand frozen in the darkened entryway, his shadow stretches, eclipsing you, as he walks further and further away.

But these moments of sweet burning-hot rage pass as quickly as they come and soon -- too soon, maybe, or not soon enough -- you find yourself turning on your heels and shining a too-bright smile, the one that shows too many teeth and leaves an ache in your cheeks.

“Not yet, love, but I can whip up something real quick.”

The words taste like lead in your mouth.

(Or maybe that's just the blood from biting your tongue.)

Who knows, you muse, bitterly, bitingly. What does it matter anyway?

You make your way towards the kitchen.

Later that night, after he’s finished fucking you into the mattress, he grunts out an I love you, before rolling over and promptly falling asleep.

His cum is sticky and uncomfortable as it cools on your burning thighs.

You stare at the lights sweeping across the ceiling from the passing cars and try to remember days when you didn’t feel as though someone had hollowed out everything that made you and filled in the empty space with barely contained rage.

Rationally, you know you weren’t always so unhappy with Ushijima. You loved him -- you still do -- you have for years. You could barely contain your tears of joy when he asked you to marry him and you didn’t manage to contain them at all the day you officially tied the knot.

You were so happy then. So, so, happy.

What happened?

(You know exactly what happened.)

You’ve made sacrifice after sacrifice for him. Moved from country to country. Left your family and friends behind more times than you can count. Because you love Toshi. Because you love him more than anything. And because he loves you, though you know he doesn’t love you more than anything. It’s a selfish gripe to have. A rather dumb one too. Of course he doesn’t love you more than volleyball. Why should he? He’s dedicated his whole life to the sport. Countless hours, countless injuries, and setbacks, and he’s persevered through it all because that's what he does. Because that sport, that court, that stupid fucking ball, is what he loves above all else.

It’s not as if you jumped into this marriage wholly and totally blind. You’re not dumb. You knew volleyball was going to be a priority in his life, the priority. And you thought you could handle that. You did handle it. For 5 years you’ve handled it, the constant moving, the last minute canceled plans, the weeks of him traveling that have left you all alone for near months at a time in a cold home with a cold bed. You’ve handled it all with a too-wide smile plastered painfully across your face.

But things have -- shifted, recently. Maybe it’s the pressure of what could very well be his last Olympics coming up in these next few years, maybe it’s the fear of someone younger, better, stronger than him taking his place, or maybe, he simply doesn’t give all that much of a fuck about you anymore.

(You know that’s not true. Wakatoshi loves you. You know that. Which is what makes this all so much worse.)

I love you, isn’t that enough? he’d said bluntly, and maybe a bit confused, last time you brought up your concerns after the third canceled date in a row.

His words had made you pause. Was it enough? Why isn’t it enough? Shouldn’t it be enough?

At the time, you’d thought, maybe. Maybe I can make it enough.

A year later and you’ve come to the realization that it simply -- isn’t enough. Maybe if you were a different person, a slightly better person, it’d be enough. But you’re not. You’re you, a strange, toxic concoction of hollow fury and selfish desires (for comfort, for love, for anything more than whatever this is).

You roll over on your side to face your husband. He’s on his back, like he always is when he sleeps, completely dead to the world.

He’s statuesque, unmovable, untouchable, even now.

You gently brush your finger over his brow, sweeping his hair to the side, and tracing his strong jawline. You’ve done this a thousand times. You’ve memorized every curve, every freckle, every scar. You’ve mapped countless constellations across his skin.

You don’t hate him, you realize, in the dark suffocating silence of the night. Not yet, at least. There’s still too much love for him in your heart. Still too many memories of brighter days. Sweeter days. Gentler days.

He’s been good to you. As good as a man like him is capable of being. And you love him so, so dearly for it.

He has tomorrow off, maybe -- maybe you should talk to him. There’s still time to salvage this. There’s still so much love for him in your heart, enough to drive out the hate. You know it.

He has tomorrow off, you repeat to yourself. The first full day he’s taken off in a month.

You’ll talk to him then.

You have to.

The morning light is what wakes you. The gentle rays kiss your cheeks so sweetly.

Without fully opening your eyes, you reach towards Ushi only to be met with -- cool sheets.

Your stomach drops painfully and it's as though he’s taken your heart in his hands and just squeezed.

You open your eyes, wearily, tiredly, and the morning light no longer seems so sweet. It’s mocking. A cruel, bitter reminder of better days and broken promises.

You crawl out of bed, trying to stay optimistic -- maybe he just went for a morning jog -- even though you know that on days he has off he likes to sleep in. You try desperately to give him the benefit of the doubt, because he promised and you want so badly to still be able to believe him, even after everything.

He used to have every Saturday and Sunday free, then around three years ago it turned into every Sunday, then a year and a half ago it turned into every other Sunday, and recently -- well, it’s been a while. A long, long while.

But he promised he’d stay home today.

He promised, you repeat as you stumble around the apartment only to find it painfully silent, empty, and so, so cold.

You collapse on the couch, hunched over, your head hanging pitifully into your hands. You take a deep, pathetically shaky breath.

And then you laugh.

You laugh so hard you nearly heave.

Two years ago, you would’ve cried. A year ago, you would’ve screamed.

But now? Who do you really have to blame, but yourself? How can you not laugh? How can you not laugh at just how stupid and gullible you are?

Really, how many times can you blame Ushijima for breaking your heart when you’re the one who can’t seem to stop handing it to him -- on a silver fucking platter no less.

This is your fault. And it has been for a long while now.

It’s time to move on.

You book a one-way flight home -- you haven’t been back in so long. Too long, you know. You stuff as much as you can into your single suitcase and pitiful carry-on bag. It’s all strangely methodical and robotic. You’re calmer than you’ve been in months.

This is how it was always going to end. Honestly, you don’t think there was really supposed to be another option, any other way out. You don’t think this mess was ever going to be fixed. It was stupid of you to ever believe otherwise.

By the time you’ve managed to compose yourself, get your affairs in order, and meticulously pack away as much as you can, the sun has started to dip below the horizon.

The clock reads 9:18 PM. Your flight is in a few hours. You’ll have to get going soon.

You pick out the nicest, most expensive bottle of red wine in your home. You were going to save it for when Ushi made the national team again but, as you’ve learned rather painfully, sometimes plans change.

You pour yourself a glass, but in the end, can’t bring yourself to take a single sip.

That’s how Ushi finds you, sitting at the kitchen table, toying with a glass of wine. There’s only the lone kitchen light lit in the apartment. The shadows dance around him, dark and monstrous, ready to swallow you both whole.

Wakatoshi has never been particularly skilled at reading social cues but you can tell from the slight tilt of his head that he knows somethings wrong. You wonder if he knows exactly how wrong.

(Not that it would really change anything if he did.)

The thud of his gym bag hitting the floor echoes too loudly in the silent apartment.

He steps into the kitchen like he does all other things -- with purpose, with confidence. It will never not leave you in awe, even now, how sure he always is of himself. He’s a blunt force weapon, he always has been, and you can’t imagine a time where he’ll be anything but.

He stops at the opposite end of the table. It’s the beginning of the same song and dance you two have done time and time again when he breaks his little promises.

His big ones too.

(You think of when he had missed your five-year anniversary dinner for a last-minute practice. He hadn’t forgotten about the reservation, he’d told you after he’d returned home to you sitting alone at the kitchen table, half-drunk and livid, but people were relying on him, is what he’d said, and there’s always next year.)

This routine is comforting, if only in the cruelest way.

We can put on a show, just this last time, you think. For old time’s sake.

Your eyes fall back down to your glass as you speak. “You said you’d stay home today.”

You look back up just in time to see him opening his mouth. No doubt getting ready to cycle through the same set of excuses he’s been using for the past four years.

A teammate called.

I needed the extra practice.

There’s a skill I need to perfect.

The Olympics are 4 years away...3 years away...2 years away....you know that, love.

And, of course, no matter his reason, his excuse, he always makes sure to add, I’ll stay home next Sunday, I promise.

He doesn’t intend for that last part to be cruel, you’re sure of it, but God, if that doesn’t make it so much worse.

You cut him off before he can even start. “You promised.”

His brows furrow at your exhausted, weary tone. “There was a team meeting today, I’m sorry I forgot to mention it to you. It went on longer than I expected it would. We can still go out to dinner if you’d like.”

You give him a sad sort of smile. You’re too tired to give him any other. “I don’t think I’ll have time for that, love.”

Ushijima’s left brow twitches, as it always does when he doesn’t quite understand what’s going on.

He takes a step forward, around the table. “What do you mean? Are you going out tonight?”

You shake your head softly. “No, Toshi.”

You can’t help but wish more than anything, that it didn’t have to come to this, because you have loved him so much, so deeply, and you think that for it to end like this is a disservice to you both.

His jaw clenches, no doubt already trying to contain his frustration. He’s probably tired after his long day. An argument over something like this is probably the last thing he wants. A good wife would care more. A good wife might’ve persevered, smiled through her husband's little lies and shattered promises. A good wife might’ve tried harder. A good wife might’ve dug her heels in, instead of letting go completely.

But you’re not a good wife. Not now, at least. For all you know, you never were. You’ve always been just a bit too bitter, too selfish, too flawed. Not willing enough to throw yourself on the metaphorical altar for him.

He’s close enough now that he can see the suitcase at your side. It stops him dead in his tracks.

“What’s going on?” His tone is hard, demanding, but you know him too well to miss the fear that pulls at the corner of his eyes.

Ushijima Wakatoshi is a lot of things. But he’s certainly not dumb. He has to know what’s going on. He has to have known that, eventually, this was what was going to happen.

You stand up slowly, bracing your palms against the rough wood of the tabletop.

“I-” you let out a harsh, mean breath. You hate that you’re doing this. But you’d hate yourself more if you didn’t. And you know you’d grow to hate him too, eventually, if you stay. You’re burning up here in this home, each broken promise and cold night add fuel to the already raging fire. You’ll be nothing but ashes soon enough. “I can’t do this anymore, Wakatoshi.”

His pretty olive eyes narrow. The look he gives you is practically glacial. His fury has always been so, so cold. A stark contrast to your burning rage.

He takes a deep breath. “I don’t understand.” His words are slow, methodical, and too even.

They crack open something violent inside your chest, something with teeth. Something mean and ugly and so, so sad.

Too many years of biting your tongue have culminated into this moment. It’s time to strip yourself to the bone, to the ugly marrow. No matter how painful or awful.

Don’t you two deserve that, at least? Don’t you two deserve to part ways having seen the worst of each other?

“Of course you don’t understand, Ushijima,” you spit out, caustic and cruel. “How can you?” The laugh you let out is ripped from the very bottom of your heart, mean and poisonous. “Or more accurately, why would you? Why would you even bother understanding? It’s not like my unhappiness has ever really meant anything to you before-”

He cuts in sharply. “You know that’s not true.”

“No,” you hiss. “I don’t. How can I? I’ve been miserable for years now, left to beg for scraps of your attention like a fucking dog. I’ve reduced myself to this pathetic creature. I-” tears cloud your vision, far faster than you can blink them away. “I don’t even recognize myself anymore, Ushijima. I’m so--I’m so angry all the time and if I stay here that’s going to be all that’s left of me.”

It’s silent after your outburst and in the air is something awful and too great. You’re both teetering on the edge of something terrifying.

“If you stay with me, you mean,” he says, finally, and far too soft for a man like him. All signs of his previous fury have fled and in his eyes is a painful sort of vulnerability.

Your anger dissipates with his, mostly because you’re so fucking tired of being angry.

Is it really his fault, anyway? What exactly were you expecting of him, when you took his last name? Were you really wanting him to change something so fundamental, so ingrained in his soul, just for you? How unfair of you, you realize now, how cruel.

“Toshi.” You’re exhausted. And so sick of being second best. “This is more my fault than it is yours. I thought I could handle what being married to you would entail but I was,” -- you laugh, far less biting than before-- “very wrong.” You close your eyes, unable to look at him. “And now I suppose we’re both paying the price for it.”

“I love you,” he says, bluntly. “And you love me.”

You’re finally able to meet his eyes again. You take in the planes of his face, the subtle pain etched into every corner, a brutal, beautiful reflection of the years you’ve spent by his side.

“I do love you, Ushijima. More than anything.”

“Then why are you doing this?”

You swallow hard. “Sometimes, that just isn’t enough, Toshi. Relationships require more than love. They require work, and compromise, and some semblance of care and dedication, and you just-- you just don’t have the time for that right now, and I understand that. But I can’t keep doing this to myself. I deserve-” you stop and give yourself a moment to choose your words carefully, lovingly because you’re desperate for him to just understand. “We deserve better, don’t you think?”

He shakes his head, his hair falls in his eyes. You sweep it aside, a force of habit after all these years, something you’ve done a million and one times. Before you can jerk your arm back he grips it in his large hand. His fingers wrap around your wrist, unyielding.

“I need you,” Toshi says, uncharacteristically desperate. You can feel the heat radiating off his chest. It's a twisted sort of comfort. Knowing this may very well be the last time you’ll be in this position.

You smile, sweetly and a bit sadly. “No, you don’t, Ushi. You need volleyball. You need the thrill of the game and the taste of victory but you don’t need me. You’ve never needed me. And that’s okay.” You lift your other hand up to brush the stray tear that’s fallen from his eye. He nuzzles into your palm before you can move it, clinging to you like some sort of lifeline. “It’ll be okay, Toshi, we’ve just reached the end of our road. That’s all.”

He raises a shaky hand to trace the dried tracks of tears on your cheek, it’s startling to see him so uncomposed. “Please,” he nearly begs, “don’t do this.”

In your heart, there’s an odd brew of grief and rage and pain and love so mean you know you’ll feel the ache of it for years to come.

You think of all the shattered promises he’s left at your feet, you think of the gentle way he’s held you through the years, you think of his string of nonchalant rejection, you think of yourself, bright and burning.

Your mind spins from it and all you can do is rest your head against his chest and close your eyes.

a/n pt 2: there is some untapped potential in the fed up housewife genre and i am determined to unearth it. also i love ushi i promise i think he’d be a great husband under most circumstances

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi #haikyuu angst #hq #hq x reader #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu scenarios #ushijima x y/n #ushijima x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu x you #vicwrites #vicwriteshq

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feanorianethicsdepartment · 3 years ago

Note

Alright, I read your recent post and need to know - what is your interpretation of Maglor’s relationship with the twins?

askjdhslkjag my biggest self-inflicted problem in this fandom is that my take on maglor, elrond, and elros' relationship is so intensely detailed and specific i am forever tormented by none of the fic i read ever quite getting it right (from my perspective; i’ve read plenty of fic that presents a good interpretation on their own terms, it’s just never mine.) it’s simultaneously way darker than the fluffy kidnap dads stuff and nowhere near as black-and-white awful as the anti-fëanorian crowd likes to paint it, it’s messy and complicated and surrounded by darkness, and yet there’s also a sincere connection within it which mostly serves to make all those complications worse. angry teenage elrond is angry for a great many reasons, and the circumstances around him being raised by kinslayers account for at least half of them. there’s lots of complexity here, and i don’t see it in fic nearly as often as i’d like

(warning: the post... feathers? i already have an internet friend called faeiri this could be awkward - anyway, the post she’s talking about includes the line ‘everyone is wrong about kidnap dads except me.’ this post follows on from that in being as much a commentary about why various popular interpretations of both how the kidnapdoption went and the way people subsequently characterise the twins just don’t work for me as it is a setting out of my own ideas. i’m not really interested in getting into discourse here, i’m just trying to get my thoughts down. i’ve read fic with these interpretations before that i’ve liked, even, don’t take this as a Condemnation, aight? also this turned out long as hell, so i’m putting it under a cut)

i can never buy entirely fluffy depictions of kidnap dads

which isn’t to say i don’t read them! sometimes all i want is something sweet, for these kids to get to be happy for once. it’s not like i think their time with the fëanorians was completely devoid of laughter

it’s just. the pet names, the special days out, the home-cooked meals, it can get so treacly it stops feeling like the characters they are in the situation they’re in and turns into Generic Found Family #272

it soaks out all the complexity - which is the thing i am here for - and acts like oh, these kids were never in any danger, they were perfectly happy being abducted by the people who murdered everyone they knew, there’s nothing possibly questionable about this relationship at all

and... yeah. that’s not the characters i know. that’s not the context i know they belong to

i just can’t forget the circumstances that led them to meet

rivers of blood, the air filled with screams, a town ablaze, a woman choosing to die. every interaction the three of them have is going to proceed from that nightmare

(sidenote: i tend to hold it was maglor that raised the twins, with maedhros looming ominously in the background not really getting involved. it’s mostly personal preference, i’ve been in and out of the fandom since before this kidnap dads thing blew up and when i joined that was a perfectly standard reading)

(also the cave thing was a dumb idea, old man, if only because it implies beleriand had streams safe enough for children to play in at that point. the way it separates the twins from the third kinslaying is also something i don’t particularly vibe with)

probably my least favourite angle i’ve seen on the situation (edged out only by ‘maglor was actively abusive towards the twins’ which no no no no no no no no NO) is the idea that maglor (and/or maedhros, append as necessary) took the twins specifically to raise them

like, i get where it’s coming from, but it makes maglor come off as really creepy

(i have read fics where it is indeed played off as really creepy, but that’s not a maglor i have any interest in reading about)

(’mags 100% bad’ is just as facile a take to me as ‘mags 100% good’)

even if you’re saying maglor took them in because they had no one left to take care of them - i highly doubt they were the only children the fëanorians orphaned at sirion. idk, it always makes maglor seem much less sympathetic than i think it’s meant to

i prefer to think of it as more... organic? something that evolved, not something that was preordained. them growing closer gradually, the twins finding an adult who might maybe be on their side, maglor becoming invested in them almost by accident

and then the twins are so comfortable with the second scariest monster in amon ereb they frequently sass him off and maglor’s gotten so used to not hurting them he’s not even thinking about it any more. no one’s quite sure how it happened, but they’ve made a Connection

‘wait aren’t they a murderous warlord of questionable mental stability and a pair of terrified small children who’ve lost everyone they ever knew? isn’t that kinda fucked up?’ yup! that’s the point! complexity!

another idea i don’t like is the idea that maglor was an objectively better parent to the twins than eärendil or elwing

other people have talked about this already, i won’t rehash the whole thing. i will say that while i don’t think elwing was a perfect parent - someone so young, in such a horrible situation, i wouldn’t blame her for screwing up - i do think she (and eärendil) did the best by them they possibly could

this is one of the few things they have in common with maglor

something i come across now and again is the idea that sure, elwing and eärendil weren’t abusive or horrible or anything, but they were a couple of basically-teenagers with so many other responsibilities, there was only so much they could do. maglor, on the other hand, is an experienced adult who could take much better care of the twins

and...

first off, it’s not like mags doesn’t have a job. he’s a warlord, he has a fortress to help run, military shit to handle, lots of other stuff that needs to get done to stop everyone from starving or getting eaten by orcs. i feel like sirion had enough of a government there was plenty of opportunity for elwing to take days off and play with her kids, but in the fëanorian camp nobody really has the time to chase after a couple of toddlers, least of all one of the last points on the command network. they just don’t have the people any more

(seriously, the twins getting a formal education with tutors and classes and shit is a weirdly specific pet peeve of mine. this is a band of renegades, not a royal household; if there’s anyone left with those kinds of skills they almost certainly have more important things to do)

more than that, though - well, a quick glance through my late stage fëanorians tag should tell you a lot about what i think maglor’s mental state is like at this point. he is so accustomed to violence death means nothing to him, he’s lost most of his capacity for genuinely positive emotion to an endless century of defeat and despair, he hates everything in the universe, especially himself, he’s only able to keep functioning through a truly astounding amount of denial, and he covers it all up with a layer of snark and feigned apathy, which he defends aggressively because he’s subconsciously realised that if it breaks he’ll have absolutely nothing left

(maedhros, for the record, is... i’d say more stable, but at a lower point. maglor may interact with the world mostly through cold stares and mocking laughter, but at least his mind is firmly rooted in the present)

(on the other hand, at least maedhros lets himself be aware of what they are and where their road will lead)

which... this doesn’t mean maglor doesn’t try to be kind to the twins, or rein in his worst impulses around them

there’s just so little of him left but the weapon

he stalks through the halls like a portent of death and gets into hours-long screaming matches with maedhros and has definitely killed people in front of the twins

not even as, like, a deliberate attempt to scare them, but because when you solve most of your problems by stabbing them it’s pretty much a given that people who spend a lot of time around you are going to see you do it at least once

and sometimes, he curls up in an empty hallway, and weeps

... suffice it to say i don’t think elwing’s the more preoccupied, or the less mentally ill, parent here

just. in general, the fëanorians aren’t cackling boogeymen, but they’re not particularly nice either

no one has the energy left for that. not these isolated and weary soldiers at the end of a long losing war and the beginning of the end of the world. they don’t really bother to guard the kids against them escaping. where else are they going to go?

the sheer despair that must have been in the fëanorian camp after sirion, the knowledge that the cause cannot be fulfilled, that they are utterly forsaken, that they’re really just waiting to die -

it can’t have been a happy place to grow up in, under the shadow of loss and grief and deeds unrepentable, and the slow march of inevitable defeat

they would have had a better childhood if they stayed in sirion, raised by people who knew how to hope

but that isn’t the childhood they had. and despite everything i’ve said, i don’t think that childhood was an entirely awful one

yeah, see, this is where the other side of my self-inflicted fandom catch-22 comes in. just as much of the pro-kidnap dads stuff comes off as overly saccharine and simplified to me, i find much of the anti-kidnap dads stuff equally simplistic in the opposite direction

the idea that maglor and the fëanorians never meant anything to elros and elrond, that they had no effect on the people they became at all, that it was just a horrible thing that happened when they were children, easily thrown in the rear-view mirror...

that’s even more impossible to me than the idea that life with the fëanorians was 100% fluffy and nice

like, i’ve seen the take that elros and elrond hated the fëanorians from start to finish. they were perfect little sindarin princes, loyal to their people and the memory of doriath, spurning every scrap of kindness offered to them and knowing just what to say to twist the knife into the kinslayers’ wounds

... dude. they were six. hell, given their peredhelness, mentally they could easily have been younger

what six year old has a firm grasp of their ethnic identity? what six year old is fully aware of their place in history? what six year old would understand the politics that led to their situation?

don’t get me wrong, i can see hatred in there. but something else that doesn’t get acknowledged alongside it often enough is the fear

some of the stuff i’ve read feels like it gives the kids too much power in the situation. they’re perfectly happy to talk back to and belittle the people who burned down their hometown and killed everyone they ever knew, like miniature adults who don’t feel threatened at all

and, like, six. i can see them going for insults as a defensive measure, but it is defensive. it’s covering up fear, not coming from secure disdain

(and a lot of those insults sound, again, like things an adult who’s already familiar with the fëanorians would say, not a scared child who’s lost almost everything. why would a six year old raised by sindar and gondolindrim know what the noldolantë is, let alone what it means to maglor?)

(... i’m just ranting about this one fic that’s been ruffling my feathers for five years straight now, aren’t i)

i mean, i write elrond as the world’s angriest teenager, who snipes at maglor pretty much constantly, but the thing about angry teenage elrond is that he’s angry teenage elrond

he’s spent long enough with the fëanorians he has a pretty secure position within the camp, and he knows that maglor won’t hurt him from a decade and change of maglor not, in fact, hurting him

but as a small and terrified child abducted by the monsters his mother had nightmares about? he fluctuated wildly between ‘randomly guessing at things to say that wouldn’t get him killed’ ‘screaming at maglor to go away in words rarely more complicated than that’ 'desperately trying not to do or say anything in the hopes of not being noticed’ and ‘hiding’

(and i don’t think the twins were never in any danger from the fëanorians, either. quite besides the point that before they started orbiting maglor nobody was really sure what to do with them... well, they wouldn’t be the first children of thingol’s line the minions took revenge on)

(fortunately for them, maglor did, in fact, take them under his wing. by this point even their own followers are shit scared of the last two sons of fëanor, nobody’s going to mess with their stuff and risk getting mauled. tactically, it was a pretty good decision for a couple of toddlers)

more to the point, i feel like a child that young, in a situation that horrible, wouldn’t reject any kindness they were offered, any soothing touch in a universe of terror

in a world full of big scary monsters, the best way to survive is to get the biggest scariest monster possible to protect you. that’s how elros rationalises it when they’re, like, eight, mentally, but at the time they were just latching on to the only person around them who seemed to care about them

that’s how it started, on their end. two very young very scared children lost in a neverending nightmare clinging tightly to the lone outstretched pair of hands

as for maglor...

i’ve called mags evil before, but i see that as more of a... technical term? he is evil because he did the murder, he remains evil because he won’t stop doing the murder. hot take: murder bad

but that doesn’t make him, like, a moustache-twirling saturday morning cartoon villain. he is deeply unhappy with the position he’s in and the person he’s become, and he’s always trying not to take that final step over the edge

it’s not that i can’t see a maglor who is abusive or manipulative or who sees the twins more as objects than people. it’s just that that characterisation is one i am profoundly uninterested in. i do occasionally read fic with it, but it never enters my own headcanons

horrible people can do good things!! kinslayers can do good things!! the fallen are capable of humanity!! people can do both good and evil things at the same time, because people are complicated!! maglor is not psychologically incapable of actually taking pity on these kids!!!!

it’s... again, complexity. the fëanorians straddle the line between black and white, which is a lot less sharp in the legendarium than it’s sometimes characterised as. it’s what draws me to their characters so much, why i have so many stupid headcanons about them. pretending they fall firmly on either side of the line is my real fandom pet peeve

and, like, this moment? this sincere connection between a bloodstained warlord and two children who will grow up to be great and kind in equal measure? i may not entirely like the direction the fandom’s taken it recently, but that beat, that relationship, it still gets me

so no, i don’t think elrond and elros’ years with the fëanorians were an endless cavalcade of abuse and misery. i think there was love there, despite the darkness all around them

an old, tired monster, and the two tiny children it protects

maglor never hurts the twins, not ever, not once. his claws are sharp and his fangs are keen, if he so much as swatted them he’d rip them in half. instead he folds down the razor edges of his being, interacting with them ever so carefully. he has nightmares of suddenly tearing into their skin

seriously, the power differential between them is so great, maglor so much as raising his voice would break any trust they have in this horribly dangerous creature. fics where he does corporal punishment always get the side-eye from me

the mood of their relationship is... i find it hard to put into words. melancholy, maybe, like a sunny afternoon a few days before the end of the world. three people who’ve lost so much finding what respite they can in each other as the world slowly crumbles around them

there are times when it feels like the three of them exist in a world of their own, marked out by the edges of the firelight. maglor telling stories of the stars, elros giving relaxed irreverent commentary, elrond getting a few moments to just be, all their troubles kept at bay

they are the last two lights in a world sunk into darkness, the last two living beings he does not on some level hate. he will tear his own heart out before he sees them in pain

he teaches them to ride, he teaches them to read, he gives them everything he still has left. the twins should never have been in this situation, maglor probably isn’t entirely fit to take care of them, but it is what it is, and they take what love they can

(maglor depends on the twins emotionally a bit more than any adult should rely on any child. he’s still very much the caretaker in their relationship, but that relationship is the only one he has left that’s not stained by a century of rage and grief. he’s obsessed with them, maedhros tells him frequently. maglor’s standard response to this is to try to gouge maedhros’ eyes out)

(that particular darker side to their relationship, where maglor’s attachment to the twins turns into a desperate possessiveness - that’s not something i think i’ve ever seen in fic. which is a shame, it feels much closer to my own characterisation than the standard ways this relationship gets maleficised. darker, in a different way than usual. horribly compelling in its plausibility)

however you want to read it, i don’t think you can deny this is a relationship that defines elrond and elros’ childhood. they were raised in the woods by a pack of kinslayers, the text is quite clear on this

but i’ve seen a lot of talk about how elros and elrond are only sirion’s children. they are completely 100% sindarin, they love and forgive eärendil and elwing thoroughly and without question, they identify with doriath over - even gondolin, let alone tirion. the fëanorians - the people who raised them - had zero effect on the people they grew into and the selves they created

and that, more than anything else, i find utterly unbelievable

look, i get what this is a reaction to. a lot of the kidnap dads stuff paints the fëanorians as elrond and elros’ ‘real’ family, and i’ve already talked about what i think of the idea that maglor-and-possibly-also-maedhros were better parents than eärendil and elwing. i think it’s reductive and overly optimistic and just a little too neat

but to say instead that elrond and elros held no great love in their hearts for maglor, no lingering affinity with the fëanorians, no influence on their identity from the people they grew up around, none at all? that after it happened they just left it behind and resumed being the same people they were in sirion?

that strikes me as just as much an oversimplification. it sands down all the potential rough edges of their identity, all that inconvenient complexity that stops them from fitting into any well-defined box, and replaces it with a nice safe simple self-conception i find just as flat and boring as declaring them 100% fëanorian

we can quibble over who they call ‘father’ (i personally find that whole debate kinda petty) but denying that it was actually maglor who was the closest thing they knew to a parent for most of their childhoods, and that that would, in fact, affect the way they thought of themselves and their family, elides so many interesting possibilities out of existence

(i’m not even going to get into the most braindead take i have ever heard on the subject, namely that because their time with the fëanorians was such a small fraction of elrond’s total lifespan it was like being kidnapped for two weeks as a toddler and had no greater significance than that. do you not understand what childhood is????)

like, i tend to think of elrond as a child as being very loudly not-a-fëanorian. elros is more willing to go with the flow - hey, if the creepy kinslayer wants kids, elros is happy to play into that in order to not be murdered - but elrond is very firm that he’s not happy to be here and he doesn’t belong with them

(this is after they get over their initial terror, of course, when they’ve realised they won’t be fed to the orcs for the tiniest slight. even so, elrond only really gets shirty about it around people he’s comfortable with, whose reactions he can reasonably guess at. naturally, the first person he does it to is maglor)

elros calls maglor their father exactly once, when they’re... maybe early preteens? this is because elrond hears him do it and immediately loses his shit. they have a dad, elrond says, in tears, and a mum, and any day now their real parents are going to come to pick them up and take them home

... right?

it gets harder to believe as the years roll on, as their memories of sirion fade, as they find their own places within the host, as maglor watches over them as they grow. elrond still mentally sets himself apart from the fëanorians, but it’s more of an effort every year. life in the fëanorian camp is the only one he’s ever really known. he can barely remember his mother’s voice

then the war of wrath starts, and the fëanorian host drifts closer to the army of valinor, and the twins come into contact with non-fëanorians for the first time in forever, and it becomes clear just how obviously fëanorian elrond is. he always insisted he wasn’t like the kinslayers at all, but he dresses like them, talks like them, fights like them

the myth cycles the edain tell are almost completely unfamiliar to him, he barely remembers the shape of the songs of lost doriath. even these sarcastic commentary and subversive reinterpretations he made of maglor’s stories - those were still maglor’s stories! he’s been trying to guess at the person he was meant to be, but it’s growing nightmarishly blatant how little elrond ever knew about him

instead, the people he was born to are as alien to him as the orcs of morgoth. he is a fëanorian, through and through

... yeah, elrond (and/or elros) having an absolutely massive identity crisis upon being reintroduced to his quote-unquote ‘true kin’ is another angle i’d love to see in fic that i don’t think i’ve ever come across. all those potential grey areas around who they are and who they’re supposed to be sound utterly fascinating, and i think it’s the complexity i hate to see elided over the most

i really, really doubt they could effortlessly slot back into being eärendil and elwing’s children. not when they’ve been surrounded by, lived alongside, been raised by the people who were supposed to enemies for most of their lives

they just don’t fit into that box any more. they can’t

speaking of eärendil and elwing, while i do agree that they both (especially elwing) get a lot more flak than they deserve, i don’t agree that therefore elrond and elros were never the slightest bit mad at them and fully forgave them for everything with no reservations

because, well, they were left behind. elwing had no other choice, but they were still left behind; it led to the world being saved, but they were still left behind. all the best intentions in the universe don’t erase the weeks and months and years of waiting, of a hope that grew thinner and frailer until it finally quietly broke

that’s a real hurt, and a real grievance. even if the twins rationally understand that their parents were making the best out of their terrible situation, you can’t logic away emotions like that. it’s perfectly possible for them to know they have no reason to resent eärendil or elwing, and yet still harbour that bitterness and pain

(i did write a thing once where elrond loudly rejects eärendil as his father in favour of maglor, but something i didn’t add in that i probably should have is that elrond later regretted doing that)

(not like, several centuries later, when he’d grown old and wise. two hours later, when he’d calmed down. but he was still legitimately angry at eärendil, because the one thing angry teenage elrond was not lacking in was reasons to be mad at the adults around him, and before he could figure out if he had anything less furious to say the hosts of the valar left middle-earth behind)

(it’s another element to the tragedy of the whole thing. in that particular story, which is mostly aiming for maximum pain, the only thing elrond’s birth parents know about their son for thousands of years is that he hates them)

(and he doesn’t, not really. you can’t hate someone you’ve never known)

not that i think they couldn’t ever make up with their parents! fics where elrond and his birth parents work past all the things that lie between them and form a functional familial bond despite it all give me life. i just don’t like the idea that there’s nothing difficult for them to work past

i don’t like the idea that elrond and elros would naturally, effortlessly identify with the mother they last saw when they were six and the people they only vaguely remember. i can see them doing it as a political move, i can see them going for it as a deliberate personal choice, but i can’t seeing it being immediate and automatic and easy

no matter how great a pair of heroes eärendil and elwing are, that doesn’t change the fact that to elrond and elros, they’re at most a few scattered memories and a collection of far-off stories. and so long as the twins stay in middle-earth, they’re never going to draw any closer

compared to the dynamic, multifaceted, personal, and deep bonds they have with the fëanorians - who, and i know i keep saying this but i think it gets tossed aside way more casually than it should, are the people who actually raised them, their birth parents must feel like a distant idea

and that’s why i can never buy interpretations of elrond as 100% sindarin, a pure son of doriath, with no messy grey areas or awkward jagged edges to his identity. given everything we know about his life, it seems almost cartoonishly simplistic

honestly it seems like a narrative a bunch of old doriathrin nobles trying to manouevre elrond into being high king of the sindar or something would propagate. it's neat and nice and tidy, something that’d be much more convenient for everyone if elrond did feel that way

but i just don’t see how he can. this narrative is easy and simple in a way real people never are, it ignores all the forces pulling him apart. elrond being uncomplicatedly sindarin with the life he lives and the people he's close to - that doesn’t make any sense to me

which isn’t to say i think he’s 100% noldorin, from either a gondolindrim or a fëanorian perspective. (i find it a little more believable, given, again, who he grew up around and who he hangs out with, but it’s still a bit too reductive for my tastes.) it’s also not to say i couldn’t believe an elrond who made an active choice to emphasise his sindarin heritage

it’s not how i think of him, but it works. i don’t have a problem with other people interpreting the complexities of the twins’ identities differently

i just have a problem with people acting like it doesn’t exist

in general i think there’s a lot untapped potential that gets left behind when you declare the twins, separately or together, as All One Thing

they’re descended from half the noble houses of beleriand, and they have deep personal ties to most of the rest. they belong to all of the free peoples even the dwarves, somehow, probably and i feel like that was kind of the old man’s point? so many peoples meet in them, to say they wholly belong to any one species is probably an oversimplification

they sit at a crossroads of potential identities, and rather than narrowing down their worldviews to one single path, they take the hard road and choose all of them. that’s what you need to do, if you want to change the world

and, to bring this back to my ostensible topic, in my estimation at least this mélange of possible selves does include them as fëanorians! it’s not overpowering, but it’s certainly there, and the adults they grow into long after they’ve left the host still bear influence from their childhood

nothing super obvious, nothing that wouldn’t stand out if you didn’t know what to look for, but there’s something almost incandescent in how fiercely elros reaches out for his dreams

there’s something almost defiant in elrond’s drive to be as kind as summer

as for who they publically claim as their family... honestly, it depends. while it’s usually more tactically prudent for elros to connect himself to his various human ancestors, on occasion he does find a use for his free in with the elf mafia, and elrond, code switcher par excellence, is famously the son of whoever is most politically convenient at the moment, which is rarely, but not never, maglor

(in the privacy of their own minds, well, eärendil and elwing may have been the parents elros was supposed to have, but maglor was the parent he actually had, and elros doesn’t particularly care to mope over what might have been. elrond, for his part, figures that after all the shit maglor has put him through, the least that bastard owes him is a father)

but honestly? i think before any of their mountain of identities, before thinking of themselves as sindarin or gondolindel or hadorian or haladin or fëanorian or anything, elrond and elros identify as themselves

they are peredhil, they are númenóreans, they are whoever they make themselves to be. that’s how elrond finally resolved his identity, figured out who he was and found something past the pain and the rage

he wasn’t doriathrin, or gondolindrin, or falathrin, or fëanorian, or whatever else. he was elrond, no more and no less

and that person, elrond, could be whatever he chose to be

... elros came to a similar conclusion, with much less sturm und drang that he’s willing to admit. being able to go ‘hey, i can’t possibly be biased towards any one of your cultures, because i’m descended from all of you and i was raised by murderelves’ makes it a lot easier to unite people around your personal banner, turns out

the stories other people tried to force on them shattered into pieces, and the peredhel twins were free to shape themselves into anything they could dream of

and as the new world struggles alive, these lost children of an Age of death begin to bloom into their full glorious selves -

i just. i love the poetry of that. despite every single shadow that hangs over their past, despite all the clashing notes pulling them apart, they harmonise it all into a greater, kinder theme, determined to make their world a better place in whatever way they can

they fail, of course, but so do all things. the inevitable march of entropy doesn’t diminish the long millennia they (and their descendants) held onto the light

and their growing up in the fëanorian host definitely had a huge effect on the noble lords they became. you can see it in elros’ loud ambition to create a land of happiness and hope, elrond’s quiet resolve to heal all the hurts inflicted by this marred reality

it wasn’t a perfect time by any means, but neither was it a nightmare. it was what it was, a desperate existence at the edge of a knife where, nevertheless, they were loved

even after years upon decades upon centuries have passed, it’s hard for the wise king and the honourable sage to separate out and identify all the conflicting emotions swirling around their childhood. they never knew eärendil or elwing, true, but they also never really knew maglor

not as equals, not as adults, not as people who could truly understand him. he disappeared into the fog of history, leaving only childhood memories of razor-sharp, gentle hands

it’s messy and it’s complicated and getting any real closure would be like shoving their way through a thornbush with bare hands even if elrond could find the shithead, and yet at the core of it all, there is light. not the brightest of lights, maybe, but an enduring one

that contrast, above all, that note of warmth amidst the shadows, is what fascinates me so much about their relationship. three screwed up people in a screwed up world, finding a little peace with each other

and the fact that somehow, it does have a good ending - the children grow up magnificent and compassionate and just, they become exemplars of all their peoples, lodestars of the new world born out of the ashes of the old - that makes it seem to me like this relationship must have contained some fragment of happiness

but, fuck, all the darkness that surrounds that love, all the tangled-up emotions its existence necessitates, all the prefabricated self-identities it can never slot into - nothing about it is simple, nothing about it is easy, and i find that utterly enthralling. especially how, despite everything, that flickering light never goes out

well, i don’t think it does, anyway. my take on this relationship is both complicated enough no one else ever quite gets it right and well-defined enough every single ‘error’ in other people’s interpretations sticks out like a kinslayer in rivendell

it is an entirely self-inflicted problem, i will admit. other people are allowed to interpret those complexities differently from me, and it’s entirely my own fault i lack the :waves hands around nebulously: to write my own hypothetical fic on the subject at a pace faster than glacial

still, though. i do wish there was more fic out there that engaged with these complexities. a lot of the common fandom interpretations of this relationship just sweep it all away

#ask #my terrible headcanons #elros #elrond #maglor #elwing #earendil #feanorians #niphredilien #yellow feathered faerie #putting your old url in the tags for archival purposes #post nyanyannya askbox clearout #ironically it turned out almost as long as the songfic that clogged up my askbox in the first place #and it is DONE #fuck this took forever to write #stayed up late just to get it out the door so i don't have to think about it any more #this is a long ramble and i'm pretty sure the end is just me repeating myself ad nausem sorry #i'll admit to a certain pro-feanorian bias in my interpretation #but i also don't want elros and elrond to just. live in a neverending horrorshow for decades #the silm's cruel enough we don't need that #narratively i feel like elrond being All Of The Elves is a good mirror for elros being All Of The Humans #but it didn't really fit the angle i was going for #bleck #let's see how many followers i lose for this

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